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What Happened Next…

If you’ve been following my previous blogs, you will know that I had PND with my first born, followed by a pregnancy of unknown location miscarriage. I’d like to share with you what happened next – it gets cheerier, I promise!

Hubby and I were both anxious to about trying again, but at the same time I didn’t want to give myself chance to change my mind about expanding our family.

I fell pregnant again quickly – my periods hadn’t even returned yet. Me and Hubby joke with each other that he has super sperm and that I have very hospitable eggs!! One downside to this happening so soon was that it was difficult to gauge how far gone we were for sure until we had the first scan. Part of me did wonder if it was Jellybean and if the miscarriage was just my body playing a evil trick on me. It was hard and weird to think at the time I should have been the welcoming the arrival of Jellybean, I was actually into six months of a completely different pregnancy. 

Whilst I didn’t enjoy being pregnant, it was a happier experience than the previous pregnancies. No news is good news and all that.

Based on previous birth experience, I elected to have a planned c-section. This meant I was more in control of what was actually going to happen and when.

I had the same midwife as I did with Little-Man. She was amazing. I saw her for every appointment I had bar a couple, and she even surprised me by making sure she was on shift for the big day! She was a very welcome face in the run up to going into theatre and during the procedure itself. After what happened last time I knew I was in safe hands.

I’m happy to report that so far things are going really well this time round. I wonder if what happened with Little-Man and Jellybean has made me appreciate Littlest-Man more.  I think having consistency with the midwife team and having the section helped too. I felt like my needs were being met and I was being listened to at all times. This time round I was also a full time mum, rather than working long hours with long commuting time, so maybe more comfortable during the run up.

It can be hard to juggle between Little-Man and Littlest-Man, but in terms of the new-born stage, I feel that I know what I’m doing more. I also know what not to do based on what stressed me out last time! For example, with Little-Man, I was too scared to give him a bath. So this time round I did this very early on, just to prove to myself that, yes, I can in fact bathe my own child!! This broke the stigma before it got chance to develop – sometimes the fear of something is greater than the act itself.

Covid has also meant fewer checks from health visitors. Whilst I know and understand they are important, it’s been good to be left alone. The questions about Little-Man’s wellbeing whilst I was struggling with my own mental health made me feel like I was being set up to fail. Something as simple as asking how many wet/dirty nappies there were, or how much he was feeding or sleeping made me analyse anything and everything. I used a baby tracking app, which whilst helpful, I became obsessed with!! It made me question and doubt everything including my ability to be a mum. Whereas this time round with Littlest-Man I’m being allowed to just get on with it. I figure he’ll let me know if he’s not ok or needs something!!

It hasn’t been easy but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Our struggles have just made us stronger.

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